The past two months have been, well, how should I put it? - umm dazed? indifferent? nah, not just that, mind-numbingly morbidly boring!
Sometimes in life, we feel stuck, trapped. We know it is important to change things, but somehow can't. Something holds us back. Something, some creative life force is missing. And we accept. Its difficult to breathe so we make do with gasping. Its difficult to yell out so we shut up. In short, we can’t beat them, we can’t join them so we retreat. Some of us with the luxury of time and resources, well expendable resources, take a holiday or even a sabbatical!
This phase of hibernation is marked by the overuse of phrases such as "ok", "yes", "fine", etc. Coz we stop reacting, we just act - we act like we are living, feeling, but inside we are frozen. Unfeeling. You just exist coz that's what you are supposed to do - each hour, day, week, a blur. No sense of passion, direction. No life force.
Its scary, such a phase. People think you are on dope - from flashing eyes and teeth grinding, you go to deadpan expressionless half-smiles. You stop cursing, crying and the nose inflation index* just nose dives.
For a lot of us, this phase seems a bottomless pit, a freefall. And we just wait, bidding our time for when the referee of life will yell out "time's up!" Irrespective of age, such a phase most certainly seems to be the twilight. You stumble, mumble, life's a jumble.
For people like me though, we grumble - with a capital 'G'! And thankfully, our circle of trust allows us to - without judgement, mush or impatience. You know this phase is a blur, and that is precisely what enables you to be objective about it. You crib and that means there are days when you cry. You cry and then feel guilty for being so thankless for all your blessings. And thus starts the whole cycle of "feeling". Suddenly, this is the prelude to the storm - the magical calm before "accepting" gives way to "questioning". Suddenly, the flash in the eyes is back, the TV looks boring and life is calling!
In the big picture of life, there will be many ups and downs, promises broken and surprises given, but that should not stop one from endeavouring - not just go on coz there is nothing else to do but go on coz you want to!
An ant does. Ever wonder how mechanical, monotonous it must find its existence? Yet, it keeps going on about its business - it pauses, stops, looks around for the next big lump of sugar and then locks in.
Or starts the climb again. Just like an ant that accidentally landed on a window pane on a flight from Delhi to Bombay and continued to scuttle all over the glass pane looking to literally break through a glass "ceiling", maybe one should too never accept the glass ceiling as an absolute. In the ant's case, it was a physical one, yours toh is still notional re baba!
Yes, it’s hazy right now, but someday it'll clear out. And suddenly, just like that, you are back. Coz life is calling and the world is your oyster!
Meow!!
*this "phrase" has been coined by one of my closest friends to convert my towering rage into hysterical giggles - apparently the index measures how angry I am coz the angrier I get, the bigger and redder my nose seems! ::now covering her nose:: No, its not a pretty sight!!
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